Apparently, only paedophiles like Animal Crossing

Are these men fishermen, or horrible criminals? HOW WOULD YOU KNOW? Photo by Mr Beck.

My friend D'Arcy pointed me towards this article today:

Wii Gamers Vulnerable to Crime

Within, one of those crazy interweb protection groups - in Missouri - says that there is 'no reason for an adult to own the game Animal Crossing .... except for paedophiles!!'

DUN DUN DUN!

Now, the obvious gag for me here is to mention that there is a long and celebrated history of Animal Crossing playing in my household, which did not begin until all residents were over 18.

I should also mention that I'm somewhat proud to call my house a paedophile-free zone.

Seriously though, this article points out a serious, recurring problem in the ongoing 'the internet is turning our children's minds into guns that shoot pornography and attract predators' debate.

The group in question has a valid point - video games that allow online chat provide an avenue for unsavoury contact, and parents should be aware of it.

It is in detailing such a thing that the problem arises though, these people have decided to police a culture they know little about.

See, this one time I caught a fish in animal crossing and I gave it to a raccoon and he was all like 'dude I love this fish can I put it in my museum' and I was like 'sure' and he was like 'rad'. Leen has an entire suite of furniture that looks like eggs. Must we now suffer accusatory glances at our point of purchase from people that, assuming there is no adult-style fun to be had within, decide that we must be waving our egg-chairs out into the digital stream, hoping to snag a clueless child?

See, the appeal of Animal Crossing is that it is chilled out, cute as hell and relaxing. You get to hang out, garden and do stuff for people. It's like going about everyday tasks when you're too lazy to do them for real or when you're pissed off that your neighbours aren't awesome cat people.

This may not be your thing, but is it a natural assumption that it is no-one's thing? No.

I sometimes wish that I could host a slumber party where people could come over and watch "Hancock" so they could pass out on a fold-out couch bed from too much Hancock-derived excitement and then I could fold up the couch with them in it and then fire the couch out of a cannon into an oncoming bus and then put the resulting bus-couch-Hancock-fan wreckage into a catapult and fire it into the sun. I do not do this, as part of me recognises that some people enjoyed the film as they are different to me. I will not, in the foreseeable future, spread an online press release claiming that they are paedophiles.

This has echoes of the entire 'censor the internet' debate, which always betrays a lack of understanding on behalf of the campaigners ["the intersnets be pipes and we gonna turn off the porno tap"] . These things do not work, and would never be proposed by someone who actually used the internet.

Also, Animal Crossing is one of the few games I have played in recent times where I have not been expected to shoot something in the face until it is dead.

The whole 'adults would never play this game' argument really breaks down when you consider the games that adults do play. It's hard not to see it as a message that violence is the be all and end all.

"Only creeps play the game where you catch bugs because all the well-adjusted people are shooting pedestrians in the knees or running them over with cars or blowing up aliens or putting chainsaws through skulls or being eaten by zombies.

"Yours, etc, Missouri, thinking of your children because you won't."





I also found FUCK YEAH SHARKS today, and it is the greatest. It may have influenced my writing.