Religious people come to the door sometimes

"You're home! You know, I could've robbed this place a dozen times!"

That's what the greying, portly gentleman said when I opened the door. As an opening statement, I didn't think it was the strongest.

It was about 11am on a Wednesday and I was working nights, so until the knock at the door I had spent an energetic morning watching Star Trek Voyager in my bedraggled pyjamas.

Past experience suggested this man was here to sell me either pay TV or a new-fangled God. Given the awkward opener, I guessed God.

"Excuse me?" I replied as I blinked the sun out of my eyes, truly at a loss as to how to respond.

"Oh, I just mean I've visited your home three times in the last few weeks and there's never anyone here!"

"OK, cool. Don't rob my house," I said with a snark that only exists in Gen X cult movies and people who are being bothered the morning after night shift.

I clarified that I didn't really belong to any major religion but that I comfortably had my own thing going on and was not currently shopping around.

He assured me he would not attempt any sales and said "Hey look, can I ask you a question?"

I've never developed the ability to just flat out tell uninvited visitors to get lost. I always engage on some level, and regrettably my approach is usually to let all of my sarcastic, caustic, immature bullshit off the leash in the hopes of being too unpleasant to interact with. No matter the result, it always takes time.

I said he could, bid him to wait and went inside to grab a cigarette before re-emerging to light it and sit on the ground in a spot where I could still see Voyager playing in the background. I must have looked like the worst person in the whole world.

"Go for it".

"Do you see that house over there?" I did. "Do you know who built it?" I did not. "Well even though you don't know who built it, it is there. for all you know, God may have built it, and even though you didn't see him do it, you can see evidence of his work. Do you think maybe the world could be like that?"

I thought it was a pretty good approach, really - a made-up story to illustrate a broader point; you know, like the Bible.

I exhaled and considered.

"Dude, I work at the local newspaper. I think that if God built the house down the road, I would have heard about it by now."

He laughed. I laughed. He reiterated that the absence of evidence does not disprove the existence of a supreme being and that a rational mind would be open to such a thing. 

I replied that, to my mind, it was more likely that humanity was the result of tachyon particles reacting with a neutrino field in an asynchronies orbit with a distant star which inverted their polarity and fired warp plasma into the primordial soup. I had been watching Star Trek a lot.

The man put out in his hand as a way of saying goodbye.

As I shook his right hand and apologised, his left produced a bundle of pamphlet-sized magazines. He asked if I'd like to take them and I said I would,  hoping to expedite the whole process.

I reached for them and he recoiled sharply as if shocked. I stood there, once again befuddled, my hand outstretched like a cat's claw.

"Um, I … uh … you only usually get one," he said.

"Oh …. um …. sure, whatever."

"Oh no, I, uh, I suppose you could have, um, two?"

"That's fine."

"Oh look, I'm sure it's OK, I could probably stretch to giving you three?"

"It's really fine. Whatever you prefer." I had no idea how we'd become locked in this awkward battle of wills, but it was clearly too late to admit I would prefer to give the magazines a miss entirely.

He gave me two and left.

As I went inside, Captain Janeway was on the television, teaching Seven of Nine what it really meant to be human. I was immediately enthralled.

Six Word Obituaries

Office worker sang continuously; Body undiscovered.

Landmines hard to discover. Soccer cancelled.

"Live life", they said. Went skydiving.

Russian roulette suggested by fifth wheel.

"Brakes fixed?" He asked, in motion.

Second amendment prized above all others.

I ate the whole thing every time.

Office Life

One of my favourite things to do in an office, even though it makes people burn with hatred, is this:

If someone walks by in a hurry and asks, "have you seen Steve?" I'll fire back "Yep, he was over at the photocopier room" or some other place in the opposite direction. 

Once they steam off in that direction, and just before they're out of earshot, I'll yell, "but that was like three days ago!"

Every time I do this I break out into a huge smile while their fists clench up and go all red.

Review: Star Trek Into Darkness

Star Trek Into Darkness is an enormously fun movie that captures your attention and zips by at warp speed. It's a true successor to 2009's Star Trek, if not the franchise's history as a whole. This is not a big deal, because it rules

Much like JJ Abrams' first Star Trek film that rebooted the franchise, Star Trek Into Darkness is great example of a summer blockbuster movie. 

Of course, a summer blockbuster film doesn't have all that much in common with the Star Trek tradition, which seems to be the source of a bit of hate being directed its way online.

On the other hand, who cares? I walked out of this film on a cloud of happiness. I'm a huge Trek fan who can admit that the franchise had been largely strangled to death by the time of its demise. There's no point rebooting the franchise only to see it killed by reverence. (Although this film has a surprisingly large dose of that.)

Star Trek Into Darkness continues Kirk's attempt to live up to the whole Captain thing and again revolves around the Kirk/Spock relationship. The Enterprise crew go up against the excellently-named Benedict Cumberbatch, who plays a Starfleet Officer driven to terrorism by his anger at the Federation.

Cumberbatch is an excellent addition and does a cracking job as a madman with gravitas. He even seems to elevate the performances of the main cast when he's around. 

The acting is great in general and the cast continue their successful walk of the tightrope between inhabiting existing characters and bringing their own performances.

The visuals are excellent. Abrams really knows how to present a beautiful universe and it really feels established.

This movie moves quickly on a current of humour and action that keeps a smile on your face, doling out exciting scenes at a steady clip.

If traditional Trek fans were unhappy with this film's discordant relationship to the franchise, I wouldn't be inclined to dissuade them. Traditionally speaking, Trek's value has been in commenting on the present world (you know, like science fiction does). While there's some 9/11 terrorism military warmongering  lessons learned here, it's really a bangsplode piece.

There are also some bum story notes; there's a lot of moving parts that may put off some and I wanted more out of a particular alien race, as well as some mention of the sheer number of people who die. Of course, if you enjoy the game that I do of pretending actors are every character they've ever played, then this is a movie that involves both Sherlock Holmes and Robocop, and thar has to count for something.

Judged on its own merits, rather than measured against the rose-coloured achievements of the storied franchise, Star Trek Into Darkness is an enjoyable movie.

Celebrity Splash

Celebrity Splash is a thing that exists.

It's a show on Channel 7 where celebrities jump off of diving boards into a pool and are marked on their technique and their courage. That's it. Ratings have been alright but not great.

It's been eviscerated by critics for being a terrible idea for a show. It is shallow (hi-oh!) and pointless. I don't know who many of the contestants are and it's hard to see why I should care about any of this. It's ridiculous. I spent weeks seeing the advertisements pop up and laughing deridingly.

But the show is perhaps the most honest thing I have ever witnessed. It's people who you've seen on the telly before climbing up a ladder and jumping off. They get shit-scared and then they get wet and then they have a laugh about it. There aren't any booming voiceovers promising a dramatic twist that will crack the Internet in half.

Celebrity Splash is clearly a signpost indicating that we're near the end of the road for this society - that we've all opted in to a group narcotic that will lull our souls into the great beyond. But the show is so comfortable in this that it's somehow immune to criticism. It's not any fun to pay out that dumb kid swinging a cardboard lightsaber; neither is it satisfying to rail against Celebrity Splash. But mustn't we? Does it not deserve scorn and endless jokes about taking the water out of the pool next time?

This is a recursive loop from which I cannot escape.

Review: Iron Man 3

One of the most impressive feats of engineering within Joss Whedon's Avengers film is the climactic action scene in which a handful of weird heroes flex the full extent of their strength against an alien army.

The sequence is backed up by character work, obviously, but there's a certain fist-pump inherent in seeing, say, Iron Man streak across the sky blasting everything that moves.

If you're worried about the implication of starting a movie review by saying I really loved a different movie, well, yep. I was disappointed by Iron Man 3. It contains a lot of wonderful material that doesn't quite coalesce into a strong story.

Iron Man 3 is as much a continuation of The Avengers as it is the next Iron Man chapter. Tony Stark struggles with PTSD after nuking aliens right in the wormhole while he struggles to cope with the monsters created by his asshole past self. Traditional comics nemesis The Mandarin appears as an Osama analogue with Guy Pearce as a sleazy business science suit dude with literally the best hair in the Marvel universe. Gwyneth Paltrow and Don Cheadle both reprise their supporting roles and get some good material.

Shane Black directs the film with a strong authorial voice. It's unapologetically his film and that's to be admired. It's no surprise the man behind Lethal Weapon injects great energy into characters' banter but the level of humour and confidence in some great reveals was a pleasant surprise.

What I felt myself wanting when I left the theater though, was that fist pump of seeing Iron Man unleash at full force. Iron Man 3 tests Tony Stark mostly by taking away his toys. It's a usual 'part three' problem - just having a hero win things with their abilities is no longer enough - but dammit, 12-year-old inner Stefan wants to see Iron Man in action (and that dude runs my whole life). 

I feel bad making that complaint, as the scenes where Tony needs to succeed without his armour are some of the film's best. His infiltration of a complex using hacked together explosives and such is particularly strong, as is having to fight with one boot and one glove.

So what worked? 

Mandarin is amazing. The character has loomed over this series - they were never going to be able to import him straight from the books, given that he's a Yellow Peril stereotype that uses martial arts and magic rings. The approach here is a masterstroke of awesomeness over fan service and worthy of applause.

This is an enormously funny film: many laughs to be had. 

Robert Downey Jr remains excellent as Tony Stark. Much of the second act rests solely on his shoulders and he carries it well. 

That bit with the plane was pretty damn impressive.

There's a moment where Tony runs out of a bar and gets in his suit which shows it's just parked there on the street like a car. I love that. It's a great touch of world-building which reinforces something I really enjoy about the Iron Man franchise, which is there is no secret identity or even a hero identity. This is a story of Tony Stark, a man with amazing suits.

What didn't work?

Guy Pearce and his Extremis team were not very exciting in ability or motivation, especially when they're sharing screen time with Mandarin.

The movie gives the impression that the Iron Man suits are made of tinfoil always seconds from breaking.

A few things - such as Tony's emotional problems - weren't really resolved, and the ending was a bit rushed, conceivably to adopt a finality to the end of the trilogy.

In adopting the conventions of a shared storytelling universe, the Marvel movies have benefited from a momentum that transcends each individually. Interestingly, they've also encountered some of the issues comics have struggled with for decades. Once you start stacking stories on top of each other, how can you make sure everything makes sense? Once Iron Man tag teams an alien death ship with the Hulk, how do you make helicopters seem like a threat? By turning off his boots? 

Verdict: Iron Man 3 is a good movie that suffers mostly from me being a huge nerd who stamps his feet and says things like 'Jarvis controlling all those suits devalues the essence of the Stark character' when I should really be able to admit that it is a great, funny time and leave it at that.