On Wednesday my brother, my self and some friends will annihilate my bedroom. On Saturday we shall begin recreating it.
As a result, my blogging will be unreliable and infrequent, much like my gags.
I'm mildly terrified. Much like Christmas, I anticipate the event itself, but the lead-up is chipping away at my sanity.
It's going to be fun. Masculine fun.
Stefan tells stories, writes about stories and tells stories about stories.
Monday, May 19, 2008
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Who are these people?
I love a good burn. Nothing ruins a good burn like not knowing who delivered it. It's like a high five that's left hanging forever. A crying shame.
To that end, here's a tip:
When leaving a comment, hit the Name/URL option and you can put in your name or jazzy pseudonym/pop culture reference of choice.
There's good commentary here, but I feel weird responding to the anonymous ether of the internet. That's where child porn lives.
That last sentence is totally going to skew my google hits.
Notice that google doesn't even need a capital letter now. It's too everywhere.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Big Brother
Big Brother is on again, dragging me down the filthy rabbit hole which is reality television.
I'm somewhat ashamed to say it, but Big Brother is the only show I ever make the effort to watch as it is broadcast.
The appeal? Well, it has to be my long-standing love of insulting jerks.
After the last couple of uninspiring seasons - I gave up on the last one midway through - this one has me jazzed enough to tune in.
Faced with flaccid ratings Big Brother started filling each year with more and more 'outlandish' stunts while filling the house with increasingly beautiful housemates. It was a disaster, culminating in last year's trainwreck in which twelve beautiful surf enthusiasts sat around for three months without any conflict or insight, while they completed forced, dull tasks.
See, the joy of Big Brother is in the audience being able to be dicks. If I and everyone I know watch along, we get three glorious months were we can mercilessly slag off a group of 'familiar' people guilt-free.
The strength in the format has always been in conflict between housemates. Throw a bunch of random people together, lock the doors, hope they have little in common and wait for sparks to fly.
And this year that's what we've got. The new hosts are good as they remove Gretel from my screen, but they, much like the weekly tasks and Friday Night Live, add little. For the record, Mike Goldman is good when he's discussing the show, but during Friday Night Live he's a nightmare. Likewise for Ryan and Bree. Both might as well flank Goldman and just say "pre-written gag #6. Delivered without gusto." We are not watching for these people.
Big Brother Big Mouth, however, is a great show. It's a panel of people discussing the people in the show without bias. Love it. Proper discussion and analysis that doesn't come from people hoping the voting doesn't go a certain way with ratings in mind. It also shows the housemates having those conversations unsuitable from primetime. Regardless of nudity, Big Brother Uncut was always valuable as it provided a complete picture of the contestants. Deprived of that, we only saw their PG selves and that somewhat invalidated the entire concept.
So I'll be watching this year.
I'm somewhat ashamed to say it, but Big Brother is the only show I ever make the effort to watch as it is broadcast.
The appeal? Well, it has to be my long-standing love of insulting jerks.
After the last couple of uninspiring seasons - I gave up on the last one midway through - this one has me jazzed enough to tune in.
Faced with flaccid ratings Big Brother started filling each year with more and more 'outlandish' stunts while filling the house with increasingly beautiful housemates. It was a disaster, culminating in last year's trainwreck in which twelve beautiful surf enthusiasts sat around for three months without any conflict or insight, while they completed forced, dull tasks.
See, the joy of Big Brother is in the audience being able to be dicks. If I and everyone I know watch along, we get three glorious months were we can mercilessly slag off a group of 'familiar' people guilt-free.
The strength in the format has always been in conflict between housemates. Throw a bunch of random people together, lock the doors, hope they have little in common and wait for sparks to fly.
And this year that's what we've got. The new hosts are good as they remove Gretel from my screen, but they, much like the weekly tasks and Friday Night Live, add little. For the record, Mike Goldman is good when he's discussing the show, but during Friday Night Live he's a nightmare. Likewise for Ryan and Bree. Both might as well flank Goldman and just say "pre-written gag #6. Delivered without gusto." We are not watching for these people.
Big Brother Big Mouth, however, is a great show. It's a panel of people discussing the people in the show without bias. Love it. Proper discussion and analysis that doesn't come from people hoping the voting doesn't go a certain way with ratings in mind. It also shows the housemates having those conversations unsuitable from primetime. Regardless of nudity, Big Brother Uncut was always valuable as it provided a complete picture of the contestants. Deprived of that, we only saw their PG selves and that somewhat invalidated the entire concept.
So I'll be watching this year.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Gangsters
Alright, how awesome would this be as a one-sheet teaser image for a tv show?
I totally look like I've said something poignantly deep, like "This must end! My brother shall yet receive justice! Cajun style!" I feel my not wearing a Mario shirt lends is some absurdity, like I'm undercover or something.
Leen looks amused and in control, like the hit she's called in is going down three blocks away right now. Towards the end of the episode, after the montage of us partying is intercut with our enemy being gunned down as The Presets blares over the top, you'll see her immaculate high heel stop in the pool of vivid blood, and she'll say something really awesome and cutting as she exhales a really long, thin cigarette.
"You never could treat shoes with the respect they deserve Jonathon." Then she shoots the corpse in the head. "See you in hell".
Then we'd walk off together, and it'd cut to my nemesis getting a plane to leave the country, but vowing his return once he learns secret Guatemalan kungfujitsudeathpinching.
And in the background of the picture .... well they're just there to add perspective and energy to the image. It's totally a show about Leen and I.
And I would totally watch it.
Monday, May 12, 2008
Iron Man
I really need to see Iron Man, lest my heart explode in a fit of unrestrained anticipation.
I'm happy to here the movie has succeeded. It's the first made by Marvel themselves rather than a third party studio, and this means there's more on the horizon.
I always like to here Marvel doing well. Same with Nintendo. These two companies are like beloved uncles to me, having shaped me from a young age into the geeky adult that types before thee.
And that's all great, but I haven't seen the damn thing. Hurts. Hurts my bones.
I'm happy to here the movie has succeeded. It's the first made by Marvel themselves rather than a third party studio, and this means there's more on the horizon.
I always like to here Marvel doing well. Same with Nintendo. These two companies are like beloved uncles to me, having shaped me from a young age into the geeky adult that types before thee.
And that's all great, but I haven't seen the damn thing. Hurts. Hurts my bones.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Mothers' Day
Today be Mothers' Day.
Shout out to y'all matriarchs.
Particularly my own mother, for giving me this life thing, and for giving birth twice in rapid succession. Well Done.
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Multiple Choice
1. When you arrive at work to find a colleague has called in sick, do you:
A] Spare a thought for them, hoping for them to get well soon.
B] Remain indifferent.
C] Become angry thinking of the potential addition to your workload in their absence.
2. You hear that the creators of your favourite television show are on strike. Do you:
A] Congratulate them for their defense of their morals and rights.
B] Wish them well, while hoping for a speedy resolution for all involved.
C] Curse their name, as it puts added time between yourself and the episodes you desperately crave. Sure you appreciate their actions, but can't they fight their battles after you're dead?
3. You are stuck behind someone in traffic. They are moving twenty kilometres under the speed limit. Your thoughts turn to:
A] Benevolence. Surely they are just cautious, or experiencing mechanical complications.
B] Irritation. There may be a reason for their actions, but it's hard not to feel inconvenienced.
C] Rage. This person must hate you personally and with passion. Surely they are not suffering under the same car trouble you yourself are stricken with, only stupidity.
If you answered
Mostly As: You are a pinnacle of human understanding, or possibly a cartoon character with the dimension of cardboard.
Mostly Bs: You are an understandably human person, with all the positives and flaws inherent within.
Mostly Cs: You are me.
Show your work.
A] Spare a thought for them, hoping for them to get well soon.
B] Remain indifferent.
C] Become angry thinking of the potential addition to your workload in their absence.
2. You hear that the creators of your favourite television show are on strike. Do you:
A] Congratulate them for their defense of their morals and rights.
B] Wish them well, while hoping for a speedy resolution for all involved.
C] Curse their name, as it puts added time between yourself and the episodes you desperately crave. Sure you appreciate their actions, but can't they fight their battles after you're dead?
3. You are stuck behind someone in traffic. They are moving twenty kilometres under the speed limit. Your thoughts turn to:
A] Benevolence. Surely they are just cautious, or experiencing mechanical complications.
B] Irritation. There may be a reason for their actions, but it's hard not to feel inconvenienced.
C] Rage. This person must hate you personally and with passion. Surely they are not suffering under the same car trouble you yourself are stricken with, only stupidity.
If you answered
Mostly As: You are a pinnacle of human understanding, or possibly a cartoon character with the dimension of cardboard.
Mostly Bs: You are an understandably human person, with all the positives and flaws inherent within.
Mostly Cs: You are me.
Show your work.
Friday, May 9, 2008
Language under Attack-ack-ack-ack
The internet is changing everything, so it's little surprise that it has crept its way into the English language.
I am a self-confessed language nerd. Sure, there are a lot of things I do not know, but I strive to learn. Apostrophes are my thing. Like a lot of people I spent many years in their presence without understanding the rules governing their use, but now I know. I can't go back.
A misused apostrophe sends shivers of disgust down my spine. They scream to me. It takes all I have not to go around to a dozen or so businesses I see each day with a can of paint and add crooked apostrophes to their signage. At present there's an argument floating around that apostrophes should be abandoned given the confusion they elicit. It fills me with sorrow.
With that in mind, it's still hard for me to take a solid stance one way or the other when I see terms originally designed for efficient, bitesized communication online creep in to everyday speech.
Terms such as LOL and ROFL are all the rage. It's jarring if you're unprepared.
LOL means Laugh out Loud. It has found its way into my lexicon when using online messaging. Not sure why. Seems an appropriate way to show you find a joke funny. He he or funny just doesn't seem to cut it in a world where you have body language, facial expression and tone stripped out of the method. It's reminiscent of my many embarrassing misfires when attempting sarcasm online.
As far as I can tell ROFL - which means Roll on the Floor Laughing and must have been coined by someone so unfunny as to have never witnessed a human reaction to humour - is an escalation of LOL, but seems to be interchangeable these days.
I started using zOMG - an exclamation which grew out of OMG (Oh My God) and added z because that makes it a little more like a pronounceable word and z is the most awesome letter in the alphabet except x - in an ironic fashion, lampooning the practice. It's a slippery slope though.
On one hand I can't suppress irritation that these things are there in the real world, not confined to the electronic ether ("but they're not words!" My brain screams).
On the other, if you jumped back in time one hundred years, my forebears would be saying the same things about me, and the entire world. Just looking at newspapers from a century ago shows that the language is constantly evolving and changing. Every generation bristles at the changes to how it should be, with 'how it should be' dictated by their time of birth.
So maybe I should just chillax. Things are 1337.
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Casanova
Casanova may well be my favourite comic book. Ever.
Granted, I should probably let it percolate in my brain for more than two days before making such a big call, but...
As I read through the book - a hardcover collecting the first volume of issues - a warm ball of giddiness collected in my stomach. By the end I was overcome.
It was joy.
I look at something like Watchmen - one of my all time faves and generally regarded as one of the best comics of all time. While an excellent story in and of itself, the real meat of Watchmen is in what it has to say about comics. It's a commentary on the art form.
Casanova, on the other hand, is a celebration of comic books. I revels in what the medium can do. This thing knows what it is and uses it to its advantage. It does the things that only work in comic books.
It has giant robots, mashed up monks, hot spy babes, alternate realities, a boatload of pop culture references and a dense veneer that's going to require multiple readings to penetrate.
At one point the main character says 'how can comic books compete with drugs and girls who let you take off their clothes?' They don't have to. It's all great. Casanova is great.
Granted, I should probably let it percolate in my brain for more than two days before making such a big call, but...
As I read through the book - a hardcover collecting the first volume of issues - a warm ball of giddiness collected in my stomach. By the end I was overcome.
It was joy.
I look at something like Watchmen - one of my all time faves and generally regarded as one of the best comics of all time. While an excellent story in and of itself, the real meat of Watchmen is in what it has to say about comics. It's a commentary on the art form.
Casanova, on the other hand, is a celebration of comic books. I revels in what the medium can do. This thing knows what it is and uses it to its advantage. It does the things that only work in comic books.
It has giant robots, mashed up monks, hot spy babes, alternate realities, a boatload of pop culture references and a dense veneer that's going to require multiple readings to penetrate.
At one point the main character says 'how can comic books compete with drugs and girls who let you take off their clothes?' They don't have to. It's all great. Casanova is great.
Mario Kart: A Review
At this point in time, I think most people will have made up their minds about Mario Kart.
I have. Love it. That may influence this review somewhat.
The game has seen release on every major Nintendo platform since the Super Nintendo. It's a staple of every fanboy's life. Each iteration seeks to improve on the last without messing too much with the formula. If you're after something completely fresh you're out of luck. But if you're a Mario Kart fan, you're going to be happier than a powersliding Peach, because this game is great.
Although working from a familiar recipe, Mario Kart Wii brings some nice, fresh ingredients. Cliched expression aside, that's a good thing.
The old Kart experience is still there. Pick a character, race around wacky tracks [which is the name of my next band] and pelt the opposition with shells.
The most obvious addition is the Wii Wheel, a steering wheel-shaped shell that slips over the Wii Remote. It's surprisingly sturdy and responsive despite it's gimmicky first impression. I had no troubles using it as I wheelied my way to victory. 'Hard-core' gamers will blanche at its few shortcomings - an occasional tendency to misread the odd gesture - but its great for an audience veering towards casual, or those wacky enough to play a game for fun.
Tangent: That was an easy way to describe the device, but it came across as me describing it as 'casual'. That's not the case. It is possible to play competitively using the wheel. The only problems I have with it are mine and mine alone, such as the tendency for me to list to the left as my body requests sleep despite my demands for one more race.
A nice touch is the support of numerous control schemes, from the wheel to the Gamecube Controller. All are catered for.
Another addition are motorbikes. They're welcome as they lend a little more strategy to the package. Karts are more stable but bikes sport sharper turning. Karts can milk a power slide for more speed while bikes can wheelie for speed on a straight. It adds nicely to the existing choices of character and weight class.
The greatest addition is the online component, which works seemlessly and without lag, and allows you to race against 12 others. Great fun. It adds much more depth to the package. I'll be playing for a long time.
Mario Kart, in my opinion, is one of the all time greatest party games. Many a night have I spent screaming and swearing at the split screen with a few friends. This newest edition retains that. It also boasts enough subtle strategy to remain an entertaining single player diversion.
Having 12 on the track, as well as some new, powerful items joining the old favourites, makes for mucho craziness. Sometimes it gets a bit too crazy, and the AI is well-armed to overcompensate by blasting you with items and overtaking you on the final straight, but that's Mario Kart.
It's a love/hate relationship to be sure, but I wouldn't have it any other way.
I have. Love it. That may influence this review somewhat.
The game has seen release on every major Nintendo platform since the Super Nintendo. It's a staple of every fanboy's life. Each iteration seeks to improve on the last without messing too much with the formula. If you're after something completely fresh you're out of luck. But if you're a Mario Kart fan, you're going to be happier than a powersliding Peach, because this game is great.
Although working from a familiar recipe, Mario Kart Wii brings some nice, fresh ingredients. Cliched expression aside, that's a good thing.
The old Kart experience is still there. Pick a character, race around wacky tracks [which is the name of my next band] and pelt the opposition with shells.
The most obvious addition is the Wii Wheel, a steering wheel-shaped shell that slips over the Wii Remote. It's surprisingly sturdy and responsive despite it's gimmicky first impression. I had no troubles using it as I wheelied my way to victory. 'Hard-core' gamers will blanche at its few shortcomings - an occasional tendency to misread the odd gesture - but its great for an audience veering towards casual, or those wacky enough to play a game for fun.
Tangent: That was an easy way to describe the device, but it came across as me describing it as 'casual'. That's not the case. It is possible to play competitively using the wheel. The only problems I have with it are mine and mine alone, such as the tendency for me to list to the left as my body requests sleep despite my demands for one more race.
A nice touch is the support of numerous control schemes, from the wheel to the Gamecube Controller. All are catered for.
Another addition are motorbikes. They're welcome as they lend a little more strategy to the package. Karts are more stable but bikes sport sharper turning. Karts can milk a power slide for more speed while bikes can wheelie for speed on a straight. It adds nicely to the existing choices of character and weight class.
The greatest addition is the online component, which works seemlessly and without lag, and allows you to race against 12 others. Great fun. It adds much more depth to the package. I'll be playing for a long time.
Mario Kart, in my opinion, is one of the all time greatest party games. Many a night have I spent screaming and swearing at the split screen with a few friends. This newest edition retains that. It also boasts enough subtle strategy to remain an entertaining single player diversion.
Having 12 on the track, as well as some new, powerful items joining the old favourites, makes for mucho craziness. Sometimes it gets a bit too crazy, and the AI is well-armed to overcompensate by blasting you with items and overtaking you on the final straight, but that's Mario Kart.
It's a love/hate relationship to be sure, but I wouldn't have it any other way.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
And now for something completely different ...
Sorry for the brief change in tone. Flippancy returning momentarily...
I don't think I'm subjected to any more trauma than your average person.
Sometimes there's an issue of proximity, in that I'm required to actively engage in the why, what and where of something terrible, possibly visiting the scene and having to open my eyes up very wide so I can tell everybody what happened later. Of course, I'm a journalist in a small town and have not covered natural disasters or conflicts. I'm quite comfortable with that. So in the scheme of things, I don't think I've built up a huge amount of desensitivity - no more than the average person must to survive.
That doesn't mean I have none, of course.
Through a rather unlikely chain of events, I spent five minutes of yesterday standing in a room watching a dog be put to sleep. It seems to have affected me to a certain extent and I'm as surprised as anyone. It was an act of mercy, delivered in professional circumstances, but it was truly terrible. It's hard to see an animal's eyes as it dies.
It's my own fault I suppose, having elevated the animal companions in my life to the status of human/best friend - something I will wholeheartedly continue to do - It's thus unsurprising such a thing would disturb me, even involving a relative stranger.
Anyway, last night I shot an assload of digital zombies, and it did help a little. I will continue to fire packets of light at the television. This experience will lessen. I' sure the use of the word trauma in these circumstances is ridiculous to some, but it's my blog.
And a blog is like therapy, only free, and no-one has to suffer except for potentially anyone with an internet connection or access to a library.
I don't think I'm subjected to any more trauma than your average person.
Sometimes there's an issue of proximity, in that I'm required to actively engage in the why, what and where of something terrible, possibly visiting the scene and having to open my eyes up very wide so I can tell everybody what happened later. Of course, I'm a journalist in a small town and have not covered natural disasters or conflicts. I'm quite comfortable with that. So in the scheme of things, I don't think I've built up a huge amount of desensitivity - no more than the average person must to survive.
That doesn't mean I have none, of course.
Through a rather unlikely chain of events, I spent five minutes of yesterday standing in a room watching a dog be put to sleep. It seems to have affected me to a certain extent and I'm as surprised as anyone. It was an act of mercy, delivered in professional circumstances, but it was truly terrible. It's hard to see an animal's eyes as it dies.
It's my own fault I suppose, having elevated the animal companions in my life to the status of human/best friend - something I will wholeheartedly continue to do - It's thus unsurprising such a thing would disturb me, even involving a relative stranger.
Anyway, last night I shot an assload of digital zombies, and it did help a little. I will continue to fire packets of light at the television. This experience will lessen. I' sure the use of the word trauma in these circumstances is ridiculous to some, but it's my blog.
And a blog is like therapy, only free, and no-one has to suffer except for potentially anyone with an internet connection or access to a library.
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
I GOT SOMETHING TO SAAAAAY!
Bonus points for all who realise the above heading is a reference to the excellent Strangers With Candy television series, which introduced me to such treasures as the Sedaris family, glint and a young Stephen Colbert.
Alright, I'm too manly to hold back a confession, so here it is: All of my internet time is currently soaked up by hunting for incisive reviews of LOST episodes I have already seen. This my friends, is what obsession looks like. It smells like cigarettes and meals you can create in one pot. So, you know, it smells like me.
Of course, I haven't stopped thinking of things that I desperately must say for the joy of the internet, i just failed at forming such sentiments into printable moving type. Which is sad 'cause that's like one of my favourite things.
Things I've wanted to discussion and fully intend to despite my celebrated laziness include: Big Brother, Mario Kart, Kevin Rudd, Free Comic Book Day, IKEA, stalling cars, Iron Man, Kevin Rudd's wife, heart-shaped glasses, Casanova, Galactica and Jesus fishes.
Alright, I'm too manly to hold back a confession, so here it is: All of my internet time is currently soaked up by hunting for incisive reviews of LOST episodes I have already seen. This my friends, is what obsession looks like. It smells like cigarettes and meals you can create in one pot. So, you know, it smells like me.
Of course, I haven't stopped thinking of things that I desperately must say for the joy of the internet, i just failed at forming such sentiments into printable moving type. Which is sad 'cause that's like one of my favourite things.
Things I've wanted to discussion and fully intend to despite my celebrated laziness include: Big Brother, Mario Kart, Kevin Rudd, Free Comic Book Day, IKEA, stalling cars, Iron Man, Kevin Rudd's wife, heart-shaped glasses, Casanova, Galactica and Jesus fishes.
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