Star Wars Week Episode II: Attack of the Genetically Deficient Clone of Something that was Great.

In an attempt to quell the Star Wars fever wracking my brain, last night I sat down and rewatched Episode III: The Prequel That Sucked the Least.
I have reasonably fond memories of watching it, but I thought it might be a horrible experience nonetheless.
So, to ensure I wouldn't have to yell "that's two hours of my life I'll never get back" at the screen upon completion - a gag I have used way to often - I decided to take notes. That way I thought I'd at least have an enjoyable night of 'laughing at film' under my belt. And if I learned anything from 'I Know Who Killed Me', it's that watching movies just to laugh at them is a blast.

So, here's my take on Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of The Sith, recorded as I watched it.

Warning: The following contains words and gags that will be appealing only to those who have seen Episode III and who care enough to remember it. Sadly, that eliminates much of my immediate family, and thus 95 per cent of my readership.


0.20 Even knowing what is to come, that music and opening crawl still stirs up my nerd soul.

1.11 This opening space battle is pretty damn impressive. Everything looks pretty realistic. The metal looks like metal! The fire looks like fire! The acting looks like wood! Hi-oh!

3.51 Obi Wan's "I hate flying" comment: the first instance of a throwaway line in the original movies being recycled over and over again as a stand-in for character development.

5.20 Anakin is just a horrendously cocky prick. Good Lord. I have no sympathy for him, I hate this guy.

5.46 Lightsabers! In honesty, the only reasons I still watch these prequel at all. Snap hiss throhm thrahm.

6.30 It's refreshing to have a villain who is a total and utter coward. Despite that, General Grievous is a pit of wasted potential as deep as that chasm the Emperor falls into. I do like the coughing though.

8.46 Ha ha! The droids are so funny! I'm laughing almost enough to forget how desperately unthreatening it makes them. Oh, I meant laughing 'not at all as tension evaporates'.

9.35 "Hi, I'm Count Dooku. You might remember me from being half as cool as Darth Maul, with a similar amount of character development and double the screen time."

11.50 Dooku's shocked expression of 'you want him to kill me?' conveys more than the script ever bothers to.

15.36 R2 "will be here soon". Comes screaming into hallway and runs into wall. It's actually a funny gag.

18.10 It's like someone told the actor playing Palpatine that this movie would be shown on a tiny pantomime stage on the other side of a lake, not on a movie screen as BIG AS THE SKY. "Ok, whenever you say anything, act big!".

18.34 Grievous talks like Futurama's Robot Devil. "Time to abandon ship". "Activate ray shields". "I feel angry."

19.35 That giant ship is crashing to earth. Why can't these two Jedi, at the top of their game, like, use the force to slow it down? Size matters not? Instead Obi Wan just hangs out and worries. And earlier when Obi Wan was all "I hate flying", why was he using instruments? COuldn't he do better and enjoy himself if he put the console away and flew through the force? I mean, Luke did that well, under Obi Wan's instruction.

20.38 As soon as Anakin started wearing black all the time? Someone should've seen it coming.

21.58 I wish there'd been more time to show Anakin and Obi as friends, to add weight to the ending. If only there had been more time. Oh well, Pod Racing eats up the minutes.

22.56 "Oh Padme I love you! We belong together like a wooden leg on a wooden table! You're pregnant? That's so great I could avoid you for the whole film!"

26.22 When Padme is combing her hair, she looks nothing like Natalie Portman. I remember that freaking me out in the cinema as well.

29.50 What goes through your head when you realise you've married an exposition machine?

30.47 Yoda really doesn't help Anakin at all. "Upset someone is going to die? Let it go. Chillax." All Anakin needs is a kick up the ass.

34.49 Jedi Council boring Padme/Anakin scenes atrocious, blah blah blah.

41.23 The water opera is cool. As cool as Anakin is dumb.

45.32 Wookies are awesome.

48.12 And now, some pictures of ships landing and taking off! hold on to your seats, becausethis will be the longest minute ever! Look! it's taking off! No waaaaay!

51 Oh a cool new looking alien, I wonder if he DOES NOTHING of consequence? I'm over recording minutes. As this movie keeps reminding me: Life's too short.

53 When Obi Wan jumps down in the middle of Grievous' troops, it's cocky as hell. But it's good 'I'm powerful' cocky, not 'I want to punch Anakain in the face' cocky.

56 "Lets overthrow the chancellor! For a good cause! But tell no-one! Especially not Anakin!" Well played Windu, well played.

60 "You're a sith? I'm going to ... listen to you." This Anakin turn is hasty and unsatisfying.

61 And now, a car chase featuring a giant lizard and a giant spinning wheel. Now this is cinema.

64 Padme and Anakin stare out across on a city on the brink of change. A rare good moment for these two. Because of the no talking and being in separate rooms.

68 Mace Windu is right to want to kill the Chancellor and Anakin is just a whiny idiot. He kills Mace. "What have I done?" Be a douche, that's what.

69. So he's horrified by his actions, then immediately pledges himself to the evil sith guy? It's like ... like 40 minutes was cut out of this sequence. Even when the emperor is all "well actually we can't really cheat death at all sorry" he's quite happy to turn on a dime and murder some nice children.

74 Vadar marching on the Jedi Temple is great, as it's a rare view of Anakin at the apex of evil power.

75 The Jedi get slaughtered like punks. Why can't they sense a gun being risen right behind them? Ouch, that Twi'lek Jedi goes down and then gets shot about three dozen more times.

80 Obi Wan - the guy intrinsically linked to Anakin, survives Order 66 through pure ass, and is the only one? Awesome.
Bail Organa's ship is awesome, as are all the things reminiscent of movies that weren't awful.

83 Remember in Episode 1 where Padme shot heaps of dudes with a gun while rockin' an awesome jumpsuit? Now she worries.

85 Despite it all I come out liking Obi Wan. But Anakin? Hate.

86 when they wipe R2's memory they must've erased his memory of how to fly and do awesome things. "You will remember nothing. You will forget your capabilities and think instead as if you were a midget in a trashcan."

88 Where is my Yoda and Obi Wan buddy film? The one where they tear around the galaxy fucking shit up? That 20 seconds of them cutting up troopers is the coolest bit of this film.

89 Anakin is pumped and vicious while carving up the Trade Federation - I wants want more!

92 I stroke my beard because I'm sad.

93 "I don't believe Anakin has turned to the dark side! I'm not a strongly written enough! Boo hoo hoo pregnant boo hoo!"

94 Lava planet level! That means the game is almost over.

95 "Send a message to all trade federation ships - all droid units must shut down immediately, thus restoring professionalism to the galaxy, and removing childlike comic relief.

97 So, it's all about Padme, and then he lies to her? He turns on her? What a dooouche.
"Actually, its about me. Yeah. Me and my power. Yup."
"You're breaking my heart! I'll die!"
"Cause of Obi Wan!"
"No...uh, you stabbed heaps of children in the face."
"Does Anakin gots ta choke a bitch?"

99 And thus, a friendship that was never truly seen on screen, is at an end.

104 I wish Yoda and Palpatine wouldn't have used lightsabers and stuck to pure force. Although, Yoda's "must spin..pod thing...for no reason" makes that a worry as well.

105 Yoda: "my small-person's peasant coat! It's gone! I must flee, and with me goes the republic. One day Palpatine ... one day you will have a nasty fall of your own ... mark my words."

109 Platforms over lava = every video game I've ever played. Worth noting? Video games are not films.

110 When they're not fighting Anakin puts his guard down immediately, but Obi Wan stays alert. That piece of choreography conveys more about the characters than all of the dialogue.

111 "I have the high ground! My slightly higher position is mightier than the force itself!"
"You underestimate my power ... to jump slightly to the left of you! AAAARGH! I didn't do that!"
Worst. Letdown. Ever.

114 Emperor looks kind of sad about Anakin being a limbless husk.

115 Aaand Padme is dying now. Why? No reason. Broken heart and all. Yep. She's lost the will to live. Yeah her abusive husband died so she gave up. Hm? Two children to care for? No. No that won't do it.

117 Luke and Leia being born at the same time as Vadar is a really great moment. That first breath? The claustrophobia? All good. But it isn't tragic, it's just sad, because we hate him.

118 Vadar voice asking for Padme is heartbreaking. But the 'noooo' is pretty bad.

120 "What's that Yoda? Qui Gon knows about immortality? Really? Why'd you just tell me this now, with no room left for explanation or to even see Qui Gon? Is it because these movies wasted hours blathering on about politics instead of showing the three-odd things people wanted?"

121 Poor Nabooians. It's always sad when your Queen dies for no good reason.

122 "The girl will live with rich senators, the boy ... will farm water in the desert."

That was unpleasant and exhausting. I will not do it again.