Story time: Sneaky, sneaky facial hair

My advice to you: Never trust a man with a moustache.

Now, I hold nothing against men who wish to cultivate some southbound facial hair. Well, I do, but that stems more from my own inability to grow a beard than anything else.I don't shave as often as I should - maybe once or twice a week - but really, after a week all I've ever managed to accomplish is a patchy teenage moustache and an irregular wispy patch on my neck. People often comment 'oh, you missed a spot on your neck', and I am forced to inform them that no, I simply haven't shaved since 1986.As a nerd of epic proportions, I should be genetically predisposed towards the growing of a nice goatee, but alas, no.

Nerd Tangent No 1: All nerds grow goatees at some time or another. Not sure why. Could it be the time-honored Mirror Universe principal handed down by Shatner and Spock? That a sci-fi character with a goatee is easily recognised as evil, mysterious and oozing with villainous cool? I suspect so.

Stripped of the conventional methods of achieving cool - drink, friends, fashion sense - we turn to that which God has given us, the goatee. In fact, it is probably my inability to bear a beard that stopped me from slipping into full-blown pencil-protector oblivion "a long, long time ago". I was forced to seek other avenues. I suppose I could have rocked the other way, concealing my bald chin behind a fly Darth Vadar helmet.
Nevertheless, a sole 'stache is not to be trusted. The thing is, I get facial hair, Even those elaborate sideboard extensions resplendent with carved designs as if the secrets of the Pharaohs lie within. As someone who used to have hair roughly seven feet tall and hard as stone, I get beard pride. I understand beard maintenance.

The thing is, a moustache sans beard is, well, creepy. At best, it implies the owner wants facial hair, but is to lazy to take on the full responsibility At worst, the owner does not want facial hair, but is compelled to conceal the lip ... they have something to hide.
You never know what is hiding inside someone's moustache, but it's usually highly illicit pornography or a hastily rolled joint.

Nerd Tangent 2: Superman is generally held up as the pinnacle of morality; the 'Boy Scout'. He's always zooming around saving people from death and he never, ever punches people so hard they explode - even thought he can. Even if he's finding out that Lois had a son with some dude or that his dad was vaporised. Pure class. But imagine if the guy had a moustache. No beard. It would change the whole dynamic. That single site of shaggy hair would change his clean-cut look which so informs public perception. Soon the Daily Planet would be running articles speculating on a possible mistress, and pretty soon the guy's throwing taxis screaming "leave me alone! I didn't even inhale!" This would be a lie of course, because at that point a marijuana cigarette would tumble from his moustache.

The exception to all this is of course the Handlebar Moustache, which I provide with capitalisation to denote its importance.The 'bar is a feat unto itself. While some members of society strive to keep their small business afloat, others are at home in front of a mirror, painstakingly applying an amount of product dense enough to maintain curl, but light enough to prevent droop. Laziness is not a word they understand. If they have something to hide, it's that they are pillars of pure awesomeness.

Nerd Tangent 3: Now, if Superman had a Handlebar Moustache, he could rule the world. Well, he could do that anyway, but you know what I mean. If the Man of Steel showed the world that, for all his vast power, he was willing to take care of the finer things in life, like the grooming of a perfectly curved 'bar, respect would flow like Kryptonian wine. It would show that he was in charge, in control. Crime would plummet as crooks and thieves realised that the Big S could freeze breath them to oblivion while still maintaining hold and shine.

Another thought: Hitler - moustache, no beard. What's more, it was a tiny moustache, and look at that guy. Taking this thought process to its conclusion, it's safe to assume that anyone with a moustache - no beard - wider than three centimetres is capable of genocide on a level the world has never seen.

Nerd Tangent 4: It is next to impossible for any discussion to occur on the internet, be it via blog, message board or MySpace page, without Hitler's name eventually coming up.

I now feel I have effectively demonstrated that my advice on whom and whom not to trust is accurate, and accompanied by rock solid evidence, such as the aforementioned Handlebar Superman.

With that in mind, I give you this: Never trust anyone who tries to tell you that Buffy the Vampire Slayer is not the most awesome show ever seen on TV - especially the musical episode and season three. This person, regardless of their follicle count, is a bald-faced liar. See what I did there?
Indeed, anyone who tries to tell you that Hallie Berry's delivery of one line of dialogue in X-Men the movie somehow illustrates Joss Whedon's talents more effectively than Buffy, Angel and Firefly, is a moustache.

Nerd Tangent 5: Now that I have grown obsessed with the idea of handlebar Superman, I am compelled to discuss the issue further. His only downfall, I feel, would be the loss of his secret identity Clark Kent. Kent wouldn't wear a handlebar, and Supes wouldn't stop maintaining it simply to retain anonymity and his family's safety. He'd have to be Superman full time. This would be better for the world, as that's a lot more saving people he can be doing. This also proves the awesomeness of the Handlebar Moustache.

And yes, I am aware that I labelled something as a Nerd Tangent in the middle of a Buffy conversation.

Whoa, I just grew a goatee.