Twilight: A Review

Twilight commits the worst sin a film - especially a blockbuster summer movie - can commit: it is boring.

I found the awesome photo above, courtesy of Ateo Fiel. through a Flickr search for 'toothless'. Seewhadahdidthar?

The Plot [Spoilers]: Twilight follows Bella, a typically sullen teenage girl who moves to a small town. At her new school she encounters Edward, a dark, brooding chap who hangs out exclusively with his dark and broody family. He initially seems to despise her but soon they get to know each other and it turns out he's a vampire and they fall in love. Later on a bad vampire decides to kill her so Edward saves her and they go to the prom.

Full Disclosure: I am not in the target demographic for this film, which seems purposefully built to enslave teenage girls. I rented it for two reasons: it is a pop culture juggernaut and I like to be aware of that kind of stuff, and; I was vaguely aware through conversations with other people that it might be so terrible that it would be amazing, fuelling humour and mirth for decades to come.

Review: It's necessary for Twilight to take place in a grey world. Everything is overcast and grey. Sadly, this extends beyond the setting and seeps into the story.

There is a scene mid-film where Edward and his family of vampires play baseball. They're excited because a thunderstorm has arrived and that's the only time they can play. this is because, as super strong vampires, they hit the ball with such force that it sounds like thunder. The scene sticks in my find because it is the only lightweight scene in the film. Characters have fun and there's a humour there that is severely lacking elsewhere. It's a cheesy application of vampire abilities to be sure, but it's a welcome change. Sadly, the film is super impressed with this 'hitting a baseball loudly' thing. Here's how it goes:

Edward: 'We can only play during a thunder storm.'
Vampire #1: 'Bella, we're playing baseball because we need the thunder!'
Vampire #2: Hits ball and it sounds like thunder.
Bella: 'Wow! Now I know why you need the thunder!'
It's painful over-exposition, and it is repeated.

Outside of that brief scene, Twilight just isn't any fun. It's overwrought and angst-ridden for no good reason. Everything is so important and everything is so hard.
Bella seems to drift disinterested through proceedings showing sparse emotion, even as the boy she likes near-vomits upon meeting her, then loves her, then admits he's a vampire. It makes a flash of hysterics at the end of the film creepy. When all is said, she comes off as self-centred. she wants to be with Edward and wants to be a vampire and if she doesn't get it she gets mad.

Edward is convinced he is the most terribly dark anti-hero in the worst position with the worst pain ever, and he wants you to know it.
Twilight is adapted from a novel and is apparently quite faithful, which is a shame, as otherwise inconsistencies could be chalked up to translation error.
See, we're supposed to see Edward as this dangerous uber-monster, but this only works by borrowing from the audience's pre-existing understanding of the vampire myth. But the author has changed so much of this myth that we are forced to assume that nothing counts any more. Twilight wants it both ways and that's cheating.
for example, the vampires in Twilight do not burst into flames in sunlight, and can walk around on overcast days. Moreso, when in direct sunlight, their skin sparkles like diamonds.
Yep.
Sparkles like diamonds.
Now, the 'vampire as seducer' is a well-worn story, and the shiny skin thing is explained as such by Edward:
Edward: 'Look at me in the sunlight! Behold my paiiiiin!"
Bella: 'that's beautiful.'
Edward: 'No! I'm a monster! A mooooonster!"
My problem is thus: Traditional vampires' inability to walk in sunlight is an integral part of their myth, reinforcing them as a symbol of darkness both literally and as metaphorical evil. It works.
If vampires are not weakened by the sun, but instead sparkle as a way to be super-attractive to their prey, then why do they avoid the sunlight? Sure, Edward and his family avoid it as a way of pretending to be human, but what about the others? If sunlight enhances their power over their prey, then why not use it? How did their culture evolve to abhor sunlight with this ability?

The vampire myth is similarly wasted towards the film's climax, when Bella is summoned to a mirror-lined dance studio by the vampire hunting her. As a vamp fan I immediately think it's a smart plan - vampires cast no reflection, and thus hold an advantage in a room full of mirrors. But no, they arrive and he casts a reflection. Never mentioned. When he and Edward fight they smash through the wooden floor, spraying the room with foot-long splinters of sharpened wood. These ... I suppose you could call them stakes, are similarly unmentioned.

With the vampire myth so destroyed, Edward's complaints seem hollow. Sure, he has to stop himself from drinking people, but he seemingly has done for ages, and within his family it would be awful of him to do such a thing. The family is presented in such a wholesome fashion that it's clear that murder would be about as acceptable for Edward as it would be for me.

But wait! It is hard on poor Edward, because Bella smells so good he can't help but want to eat her immediately, it's love at first sight. What is special about her is never explained, save for Edward saying "you're like my personal brand of heroin". It's his worst line, but it's not the only clunker.

I think that's the central problem in Twilight - Bella is loved by everyone all the time for no real reason. She's not all that likeable, but:

* Everyone at her school immediately likes her;
* Edward is immediately in love with her and she's the greatest thing he's ever smelled ever;
* Edward's family, despite faint complaints that humans are forbidden and the obvious fact that they've never hung out with humans before, immediately accept her into their family, even as her presence threatens to see them all killed;
* The super evil vampire, who is the best hunter ever, instantly decides she's the best prey ever for what essentially amounts to her being awesome;
* The Native American guy clearly loves her too, even though they barely speak.
* She gets asked to prom twice.

So you have a girl who everybody loves all the time, nabbing the boy who is super hot, dark and dangerously attractive but not dangerous in any way and is totally nice to your dad.

One of two things were happening when the author wrote the book Twilight:

A] She cynically assembled pieces with the maximum ability to enthrall a female, teenage audience,
B] She made the main character herself, and we are privy to the weakest and creepiest fantasy ever.

At the end of the film, the super evil vampire who is the best hunter ever is held firmly by the wrist and appears to give up while his head is ripped off and he is set on fire.

I was right there with him.